I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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