I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
