i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
