seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
