So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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