Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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