My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
