also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
