I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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