I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
