What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
