i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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