I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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