im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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