Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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