Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
