I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
