my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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