woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
