Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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