I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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