I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
