I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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