I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
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