just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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