I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
