I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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