a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
