and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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