i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
