he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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