Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
