This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize