Don't make out with my wife yet
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
