swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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