Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
