I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
