i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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