I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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