A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
