wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
