hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
