1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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