I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
