this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
