this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
