I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
