When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
