Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
