At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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