Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
