I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
