shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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