you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
