Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
