I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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