Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
