What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
