Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
