Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i love accidental penises.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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