just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
