gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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