i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
