I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
