he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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