dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
