you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
