I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
