Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
