walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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