I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
