There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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